CRYPTIC PREGNANCY

This is my second pregnancy to make it to the second trimester, and my life circumstances are quite different this time around. My first pregnancy I got a strong positive pregnancy test by the time I was 2 weeks pregnant, but I KNEW the moment I conceived. Call it instinct, intuition, or alien invasion, but I just KNEW. My son was a very strong presence from the very first second of his conception and there was no denying that he would be a strong personality. We just celebrated his eighth birthday, and it is very true, he is quite a character.

 

 

This time around, I had the inclination that I may be pregnant as early as week one (ultrasensitivity and breast tenderness anyone??), but I denied this to myself for many different reasons, and when I began to bleed (a few days early mind you, and not my typical flow), I put the thought aside. Aunt Flow had come to visit, so there was no way I could be pregnant…right?

When the typical first trimester symptoms started to pop up, I denied those as well. I was under a lot of stress, finishing up the revisions for my Master’s thesis in Biochemistry, going through the initial stages of an impending break-up, death of an uncle, and the anniversary of my brother’s passing. Stress, Grief, Summer Flu: these were things that I blamed my symptoms on. However, they did not subside, in fact they got a whole lot worse. Nausea, morning sickness, dizziness, constant fatigue, abdominal cramps, acne, headaches, backaches….you name the symptoms and chances are I had it in spades.

 

At approximately 12 weeks, I took my first pregnancy test… negative. I tried, oh believe me I tried to put it out of my mind, but try as I might, my woman’s intuition told me that I most definitely was pregnant. I had some bloodwork and an ultrasound done, and … negative. The ultrasound showed a complex cyst on my left ovary, but nothing that could really cause all my symptoms. The doctor scheduled a second ultrasound for 8 weeks time and I continued to test at home. 10 negative home pregnancy tests, 2 negative clinic urine tests, 1 negative blood, and 2 negative ultrasounds later, here we are.

 

I am currently 23 weeks pregnant, well into my second trimester, and most of those telling symptoms from the first trimester are gone. I still have the occasional “bad” day, dizziness, nausea, headaches, cramping, mood swings, rib cage expansion (ouch!), but I have about 2-3 days every week where I quite simply do not feel pregnant. That’s when all the doubts, fears and anxieties begin to creep in.

 

 

The dark side of the second trimester

Test after test, negative after negative. Why on earth do I think I am pregnant? I mean something should have indicated the presence of a baby by now. I am a chemist, I know how things work, 1 + 1 = 2, the world spins counterclockwise and babies show up on ultrasound scans. Have I lost my marbles?My mother, the perpetual realist, asks the question: “What makes you so special that you think something so outrageous could be happening to you?”

 

My doctor, convinced that something is truly going on with me requests another battery of tests. “Perhaps it is a pituitary tumour. I agree your breasts should not grow 2 cup sizes so quickly, nor should they be leaking fluid. If the tumour is big enough, it could cause some of the other symptoms as well, pressing on your optical nerve and causing vision disturbances which translate to headaches, nausea and dizziness.”

When the blood work comes back, my doctor is even more confused. There is no indication of a tumour. My hormone levels appear to be a little elevated (in the could be pregnant, could be normal range), but not enough to indicate a problem. He finally (after 2 months of testing), grants me a referral to an OB/GYN to figure out why I haven’t had a “real” period for 5 months. Only after saying “If it were nothing, I would tell you it’s hypochondria and send you home.” Really?? You had to toss THAT word in there? As though my own doubts and fears were not enough.

 

My biggest fear in all of this is that I will have alienated everyone, that no one will be there for me when the time comes, even myself. This has been an exercise in trust. All these doubts, all these fears, what it really boils down to is how much do I trust myself. How much do I trust in my ability to read my own body? How much do I trust my instincts? How much faith do I put in myself, the universe, and destiny? How much do I trust, that at the end of all this, whatever the outcome, it is what was truly meant for me?

 

 

The light side of the second trimester

I don’t remember much about the second trimester of my first pregnancy. At week 14, I was working the graveyard shift at a coffee shop, and going through my final exams for my second semester at University. By week 23, I was working 2 jobs (one throughout the day, and the second graveyard), just moved in with my boyfriend and was going through the emotional stress of him losing his job and being the sole provider with school about to start back up and maternity leave not being a real option. I was completely preoccupied, but I do remember that I had lost a total of 15 lbs by the time I was 6 months, only to put it back on (and more) in the third trimester.

 

This time around, I have a stable job, a remarkable 8 year old, and in between hockey practice and mixed martial arts classes I don’t have a lot of spare time, but as an athlete, I am much more highly aware of my body. I notice the incremental changes to my waist line, I have gained 5” across my abdomen, the intense breast tenderness, I have gained 2 cup sizes and I can’t wait to take my bra off at the end of the day. And most acutely, I feel the movements in my belly. Some days it’s less noticeable, but the movement is still there.

 

Oddly enough, it’s the days when I feel the rib cage expansion, kicks to my ribs, pressure on my back, and uterine contractions that I look forward to. These are the moments of reassurance, that I’m not completely bonkers. That something is truly going on in there.

My sister, the perpetual optimist, looks at my rounding belly as says “I can’t wait to dress her up in princess costumes. I’m going to spoil her rotten.”

 

My coach and trainer takes down my measurements and says, “Seriously, if you aren’t pregnant, I’m going to lose my faith in reality. You work so hard in the gym, but your numbers are changing in some pretty telling places. You haven’t gained a pound, so I know your nutrition is spot on.” He uses the calipers to take down my body fat profile, “See down another 2% body fat this month.”

 

And the kicks to my ribs, although at times quite painful, are unmistakeable. How can you explain those away? There is not a single illness or disease or anything, other than pregnancy of course, where a person has what feels like solid kicks to their ribs from the inside.

And the Doppler. One of the girls from the group sent me her Doppler, as it’s a little difficult to get them where I am. Within 5 minutes of trying it I get the whistling wind through the trees sound, definitely sounds like the placenta. It takes a while, but after some searching I pick up a heart beat much faster than mine. 135-146 bpm for over 3 minutes. That’s my baby girl, hiding back there. It’s like playing hide and seek with my son, I may not be able to see him, but I can hear his little snickers from behind the couch, and I know he’s there.

 

 

The Blessing and Curse of the Analytical Mind

As a researcher, I possess a very analytical mind. I can logic through a lot of the things that make little sense in this world. I may not always be right, but when I am unsure of something or I make a mistake, I own it. I think this is both a blessing and a curse.

The blessing in all of this is that I have done my research. I know that cryptic pregnancies DO exist, and are far more common than most people realize. I have learned through previous experience that doctors can make mistakes since they rely primarily on test results and if the answer isn’t there, they are apt to pass the buck OR sometimes drop the ball altogether. I have learned to listen to my body, and embrace my knowledge.

 

The curse of this, is that it is all too easy to explain away some of my symptoms. I go around and around in my head. The dizziness is a result of the nausea, the nausea is a result of stress, stress causes my periods to be light, the stress causes the fatigue, the fatigue causes the headaches, the headaches cause the dizziness, the combined symptoms cause the stress, and so on. But it’s when the symptoms seem to disappear completely for a few days that my mind really begins to wander and walk in these circles.

 

It is this stage of pregnancy, the second trimester, that is virtually symptom free for most pregnant women. Getting that positive result makes a huge difference though. Pregnant women in their second trimester are actually encouraged to speak to their doctors about their anxiety over not “feeling pregnant”, and a simple listen with the Doppler, or a quick scan at the ultrasound, works wonders to assuage their doubts and fears. Their doctors laugh it off as a little pregnancy paranoia caused by the same hormones that result in the intense mood swings so common for pregnant women.

 

For those of us undergoing a cryptic pregnancy, we really don’t have anyone to talk to about this, no one to alleviate our fears, calm our doubts. We must rely solely on our own inner strength to get us through.

 

Regardless, I have come to the conclusion that I have only one option: Prepare mentally and financially for the arrival of a baby. If I treat myself as though I’m not pregnant, I may have a very sick child on my hands, that I can’t take care of. If I treat myself as though I am, then there are two great outcomes: I have a plan when baby arrives, or… I have much needed vacation money put aside to wind down from all of this.